Why does Brian Lewis’ Trivia Contest Suck So Much?

or, Ten Things You Never Knew You Knew

1. Steve Smith always wins. It’s true. Smiz logs more Internet hours than anyone, with the possible exception of Brian Lewis. Can I license Preparation H to these guys? It’s ridiculous.

2. It’s a bunch of crap that Lewis knows. I mean, how frustrating is it to read these questions? I already know that Lewis knows all this shit, yet I continue to torture myself.

3. Sam Prezioso is a virtual lock for second place. You’re always told to “go for the gold,” but with Smiz and Google we all know that that’s impossible. But with Prez Sr. in the running, even First Runner Up is out of the question. How do they do it? And why doesn’t James Richardson give them a run for their money?

4. It gives Brian one more reason to spend countless hours in front of his computer. He’s an IT major, so most of his homework already forces him to spend hours a day on the PC. I should know. This quarter, ALL of my homework is done on the computer. It sucks. I’m practically going crazy. I don’t know how Brian can stand it.

5. Brian can’t use IM when he’s got that damn away message up. Poor guy. You know he wants to IM all his “Buddies.” Instead, he just sits in front of his monitor, anxiously waiting for an IM like, “Willy Tanner” or “Pete Best, George Harrison, Dopty Vertez, Paul McCartney, Stuart Sutcliff.” I doubt Lewis gets as much joy from anything as he does from editing the HTML of the “Answers and Leaderboard” page.

6. It gives Brian a false sense of importance. I don’t really need to elaborate on this one.

7. Brian’s grades suffer because of all the time he spends on this shit. Brian is barely making it through all his classes. I actually have to scold him from time to time for slacking on his schoolwork. I mean, look at me. There’s no way I’d be on Dean’s List every quarter if I updated Historical Context every day. I just couldn’t juggle it all.

8. Brian makes up the answers. It’s true. Do you think he researches this stuff before he writes the questions? Nope. Hell, sometimes the questions don’t have a valid answer at all.

9. It’s a waste of time. You probably already thought of this one.

10. It’s not as good as Historical Context. Natch.